what she wrote...

Time:

2:14 am.

there's a mouse in the house and i'm not happy.

if it just kept to itsself, we'd be fine. but no.
it's been snowing today so i assume that's why it's inside.
but seriously.
it ran across the bathroom floor earlier. i'd be happy to give the hot water cupboard, some food, water, etc, if it just stayed out of my way and didn't invite friends over.
but it's breaking the rules already.
i didn't know where it went but earlier i said "As long as you don't come in the bedroom we'll be okay"
am currently watching a dvd, just heard the pitter patter of little feet. Yelled "Mouse you better not be in my bedroom" and saw it race out under the door. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I don't want a mouse in my bed.
So I have put like 10 pairs of socks under the door as hard as i can. but i know how clever they are. it's the only warm room in the house at the moment. so it'll be back tonight.

I want a boy in my life to deal with this. i'm not up to dealing with this.

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Time:

11:48 pm.

It's so hard to try to learn the difference between not wanting to live my life without him, and just not wanting to live. I know life goes on and time heals all wounds and all that stuff, I believe in that, I know that to be a fact - as humans it's impossible not to move on, we're built so that pain subsides, otherwise we'd all be dead after our first heart break.
but everyday i find a million ways to miss him.
i cry sometimes endlessly and sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I don't cry, sometimes I just feel motionless and wonder what kind of life there is for me without him in it. and it's not that i don't believe that there's a life for me, i know there's one, probably something amazing with someone, someone else. but not the same sort of amazing that i could have had with him, and i was looking so forward to that, not only that, i loved what we had, all of it. He was my joy, my peace, my calm, my smile. that's a hard thing to readjust, and i know we've all done it, but that doesn't make it any easier.
it's hard for me when I wanted so much for that person to be him. I believe in us. but that doesn't make it work if I'm the only one.
i know it's really over. and i know i need to move on with my life. and i am. trying.
it's been a month since he broke up with me. and everyday is meant to be easier. but there haven't been any easier days yet.
i actually don't want to talk to him at all. i believe we could be best friends in the future, because i believe in our connection as people, if nothing else, but that's a very long way off. those lines would be too blurred for me if i tried to stay in contact with him now.
i'm just so sick of hearing "it gets better" or "there's someone amazing out there for you" or any of those well-intentioned things. Like I say, I know it gets better - it's human nature to forget. to forget why we loved them so much. otherwise we couldn't handle it. and, yes, while i know there must be (and no offence but i also believe good guys are hard to come by) some other amazing person out there for me, i know for an absolute fact that i just lost one of the good ones.
i believe in who he is. i know he is a good person. i still don't think one bad thought about him, not one.
i do believe in who i am, though, and i know i'm one of the good ones, too. That's one thing I did learn in this relationship - i'm an amazing girlfriend. whoever i end up with should be so, so grateful for me.

he told me reasons that were fair and loyal, respectful, smart, wise. He told me he needs to live his life before he can marry me, or anyone, that if he doesn't he would regret it. that he doesn't think he could stay with me and do that. because i will always want to be the girl who fixes things for him, who prepares things for him, and he would always let me. and would never learn those things for himself.
he told me he loves me but he doesn't want to destroy me while he finds himself. and we were in a situation where that was...a real possibility.
and while i'm so grateful he's a good enough man to tell me those reasons, that he's a good enough man to leave me and not string me along if i'm not the right one or if he knows it'll kill us both to stay together through this (that makes him stronger than me 'cause I wanted to stick it out and that, in reality, would have been much worse for us both),
really, what i believe it comes down to is: He's just not that into me. He doesn't love me, not like that. not like i love him. He doesn't really see a future with me.
and while he says differently, I feel confident that's the case.
but thank god he didn't say it, 'cause as much as i almost accept that to be the way it is, it would have KILLED me to have him say it. I'd prefer the lies and his kindness, as much as that can give me some false hope.
I cannot tell you what I devasted mess, what a fool, I would have been if he'd of said what I think the situation really was. And so I will never know. And think that makes it easier to heal. Easier than,
the certainty of just not being right for the person you believe is so right for you.
Especially since I truly know in my heart of hearts that there is not a thing I could have changed or done differently or better, If I could go back I would have picked my battles more wisely, respected his space more, tried to stick to my idenpendance more, and not sweated the oh so small stuff, but ultimately even though those things happened, i believe 90% of the time I was a kickass girl to him, I was bloody awesome. He deserved me. And I don't regret a moment of it. I am so thankful to have had 3 years of my life with such a wonderful, beautiful man.

But you don't know how much I wish his heart could've been in it like mine...

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