what she wrote...

travel journal:

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:16:35 GMT

http://2-crazywomen.livejournal.com/

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 09:28:48 GMT

if you're on facebook, find me & add me.
Bobbie Kay Warn

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 14:17:50 GMT

there's a mouse in the house and i'm not happy.

if it just kept to itsself, we'd be fine. but no.
it's been snowing today so i assume that's why it's inside.
but seriously.
it ran across the bathroom floor earlier. i'd be happy to give the hot water cupboard, some food, water, etc, if it just stayed out of my way and didn't invite friends over.
but it's breaking the rules already.
i didn't know where it went but earlier i said "As long as you don't come in the bedroom we'll be okay"
am currently watching a dvd, just heard the pitter patter of little feet. Yelled "Mouse you better not be in my bedroom" and saw it race out under the door. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I don't want a mouse in my bed.
So I have put like 10 pairs of socks under the door as hard as i can. but i know how clever they are. it's the only warm room in the house at the moment. so it'll be back tonight.

I want a boy in my life to deal with this. i'm not up to dealing with this.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 12:07:30 GMT

It's so hard to try to learn the difference between not wanting to live my life without him, and just not wanting to live. I know life goes on and time heals all wounds and all that stuff, I believe in that, I know that to be a fact - as humans it's impossible not to move on, we're built so that pain subsides, otherwise we'd all be dead after our first heart break.
but everyday i find a million ways to miss him.
i cry sometimes endlessly and sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I don't cry, sometimes I just feel motionless and wonder what kind of life there is for me without him in it. and it's not that i don't believe that there's a life for me, i know there's one, probably something amazing with someone, someone else. but not the same sort of amazing that i could have had with him, and i was looking so forward to that, not only that, i loved what we had, all of it. He was my joy, my peace, my calm, my smile. that's a hard thing to readjust, and i know we've all done it, but that doesn't make it any easier.
it's hard for me when I wanted so much for that person to be him. I believe in us. but that doesn't make it work if I'm the only one.
i know it's really over. and i know i need to move on with my life. and i am. trying.
it's been a month since he broke up with me. and everyday is meant to be easier. but there haven't been any easier days yet.
i actually don't want to talk to him at all. i believe we could be best friends in the future, because i believe in our connection as people, if nothing else, but that's a very long way off. those lines would be too blurred for me if i tried to stay in contact with him now.
i'm just so sick of hearing "it gets better" or "there's someone amazing out there for you" or any of those well-intentioned things. Like I say, I know it gets better - it's human nature to forget. to forget why we loved them so much. otherwise we couldn't handle it. and, yes, while i know there must be (and no offence but i also believe good guys are hard to come by) some other amazing person out there for me, i know for an absolute fact that i just lost one of the good ones.
i believe in who he is. i know he is a good person. i still don't think one bad thought about him, not one.
i do believe in who i am, though, and i know i'm one of the good ones, too. That's one thing I did learn in this relationship - i'm an amazing girlfriend. whoever i end up with should be so, so grateful for me.

he told me reasons that were fair and loyal, respectful, smart, wise. He told me he needs to live his life before he can marry me, or anyone, that if he doesn't he would regret it. that he doesn't think he could stay with me and do that. because i will always want to be the girl who fixes things for him, who prepares things for him, and he would always let me. and would never learn those things for himself.
he told me he loves me but he doesn't want to destroy me while he finds himself. and we were in a situation where that was...a real possibility.
and while i'm so grateful he's a good enough man to tell me those reasons, that he's a good enough man to leave me and not string me along if i'm not the right one or if he knows it'll kill us both to stay together through this (that makes him stronger than me 'cause I wanted to stick it out and that, in reality, would have been much worse for us both),
really, what i believe it comes down to is: He's just not that into me. He doesn't love me, not like that. not like i love him. He doesn't really see a future with me.
and while he says differently, I feel confident that's the case.
but thank god he didn't say it, 'cause as much as i almost accept that to be the way it is, it would have KILLED me to have him say it. I'd prefer the lies and his kindness, as much as that can give me some false hope.
I cannot tell you what I devasted mess, what a fool, I would have been if he'd of said what I think the situation really was. And so I will never know. And think that makes it easier to heal. Easier than,
the certainty of just not being right for the person you believe is so right for you.
Especially since I truly know in my heart of hearts that there is not a thing I could have changed or done differently or better, If I could go back I would have picked my battles more wisely, respected his space more, tried to stick to my idenpendance more, and not sweated the oh so small stuff, but ultimately even though those things happened, i believe 90% of the time I was a kickass girl to him, I was bloody awesome. He deserved me. And I don't regret a moment of it. I am so thankful to have had 3 years of my life with such a wonderful, beautiful man.

But you don't know how much I wish his heart could've been in it like mine...

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 22:15:54 GMT

Merry Christmas to everyone.

I was spoilt and feel happy.
I spent the entire day with Craig's family. We camped on the lawn Christmas Eve and woke up at 6.30am to open presents.
I'm determined that my yearly blues will not hit this year - they've been banished.

Craig bought me a beautiful necklace. and of course, other things, but I'll write more later.

All my love
xoxox

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:46:31 GMT

I sick at the moment, which really sucks. I went home not feeling well Wednesday, saw the doctor - not my usual, and this one was particually hopeless, she didn't even attempt to do any tests. I think something is hormonally wrong with me. I did a pregnancy test and am not pregnant but I feel completely out of wack. Emotionally I'm all over the place - crying, getting angry, feeling hopless, and I'm aching all over (especially in womens places), plus I'm eating like a pig!
Anyway... other than that...
work is really amazing, love it and am having a great time there. Still feel a little bit inexperienced but hey, that's bound to happen. Got my reviews back and my scores were pretty good. 1 100%, 3 x 80something%, 1 x 70something%. Not so bad.
Halloween was great - everyone at work decorated the whole place amazingly. I made so many decorations for our area and it looked great. I dressed as a pirate (a pretty pirate though!) and had fun but had to come home early because I wasn't feeling very well.
Oh! Voyage (the rave Billie & Stephen organised) was great fun, we went and had a really good time. Billie stressed out and went to bed early, but I could tell she would crash. I love that girl, she's truly fantastic. Vicki (radbourne) was there, which was a strange run-in, she seems just as fucked up as always. Anyway, the whole thing was fantastic and a great success - I couldn't have been more proud of them, although we could have done with some more lights.
We really miss our cats like mad, but Scruff (dog) seems okay so that's a relief.
Having a BBQ here tomorrow night for fire works, that should be good, have invited a few people over so it should be nice evening.
That's all for me now.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 06:17:35 GMT

For the first three people that reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD, or a rubber duck, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or fewer. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first three to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR LiveJournal - cause it's fun to give people stuff.

Dear Oatus,

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 09:03:13 GMT

I believe that if you and Oscar could have choosen to be together you would have chosen it. When he left you became a different baby for me, I knew you missed your friend dearly, but I am sorry that you have decided to join him.
It's 1 day short of a month since Oscar was hit on the road and was killed, tonight we got a call from our neighbour to say you had also been hit. Right next to where Oscar was hit. And now you are buried beside him. Baby, I tried to show you what had happened to your friend so that you would understand that he was gone, but also that you might understand that you could not cross the road... not safely.
I understand that you needed to go to your friend, I could see that you were lonely without him. I knew that the 2 of you were meant to be together. but I hoped not so soon.
Thank you for your time in my life, it meant the world to me. Thank you for noticing that I missed Oscar in the shower the most and trying to join me in there, even though I see you cringing - you hopped in the shower, leaning the opposite way, talking to me, but staying with me for comfort.
I thank you for trying to step up and be the big boy.
I thought about you at the beach this morning, I knew that you would go there today. I had a vision of you there, I do not know why.
To my cat who tried to take the place of your friend and stand up to be independant, thank you. To my baby who has been especially naughty and disobiediant for all your time with me, who was always getting Oscar in trouble, I appreciate your fight against the rules, and I love you for it.
I will miss you both so much but I take comfort that you are now together, as you I knew when I got you both, you should be.
Craig would like to apologise to you, he has been sick and is very sorry he kept you at arms length in the last week. You were his baby, and he has cried more than I have ever seen. I have no doubt you knew you were loved, we made sure of that.
I will remember you as the cuddle king. and I will remember most the most beautiful closed mouth purr/meow to show your happiness, that gave me a warm feeling in my heart, whenever i heard it. You wanted more cuddles than I believe a house full of 10 could have given you, and I gave you as many as possible. I know you needed even more since Oscar left because he kept you company and gave you cuddles.
My naughty cat. In fact, recently I considered changing your name to naughty. But I called you naughty in an endearing way.
I take comfort that our neighbour told me you were a very brave cat, that many times she walked on the beach and found you following her...I love that you found friends when we were away. I am sorry that it lead to your death.
I take comfort that our neighbour said this afternoon a man showed up at her door, as white as a ghost, and very sorry to deliver sad news. A good man who did not mean to hurt you, and If you had to go, I am relieved that he did not mean to take you. She waited until she saw we were both home to call us and tell us that he took you off the road and placed you in the sand, where you were trying to get to.
I love you naughty cat, and I miss you.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 07:22:22 GMT

I cried for hours last night. I kept waking up and thinking about him. but i did manage to sleep.
This morning I thought I was okay. But then I cried in the shower, because usually he would have been in the shower with me. I don't think I've had a shower in the last six months without him there. Then I fed Oatus and he waited next to his food and looked at me, and looked at Oscars bowl. I only ever fed them together, if one didn't come to my calls I made the other one wait. So he waited. I kept trying to tell him to eat, eventually he did.
I walked out the front door to catch the bus and saw Oscars collar lying on the road. I came inside and made Craig go and get it for me. He put it directly on Oscars grave and then I left.
I cried all the way on the bus.
And at work I was a mess but I managed it. I made it okay through the day. I didn't burst into tears in training, I just waited 'til lunch time then sat in the toliet stalls.
Craig picked me up and I told him I'd like to keep the bell from Oscars collar. When we first got the collars Oscar helped Oatus get his bell off, but he couldn't get his own off, and that's how we could tell which one was on the bench - just a pitter patter or a cupboard pulled open: Oatus, if there was the sound of a bell, Oscar. He could hear him coming from a while away with it.
When he we got home Scruff was sitting in his kennel, he's only ever in here when he's done something wrong and know's we'll tell him off. We looked everywhere and he hadn't done anything wrong. But even when we called him out he just sat there. It was weird. He definitely knows.
I made Craig go and get me his bell. It didn't occur to me it might be crushed. It's almost flat. I still want it anyway. But it did make me bawl my eyes out again. I shook it, to hear the sound. And Oatus froze, and gave me a look like "Where's my friend?" Then went into the next room and looked around. It broke my heart.
Now Oatus is sitting in my lap, cuddled up.
I know time heals pain. But I feel like people don't understand, it's not JUST a cat, he's part of my little family here, he was my companion, he was my friend, he was my baby.

Dear Oscar,

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 11:34:40 GMT

My beautiful baby boy...

I will always think of you as a wise old man with gentle green eyes as deep as the ocean. Your fur short, soft, like a tiger, with crazy patterns in shades of grey. You had such independance, yet I always felt like you thought you were left out. Because Oatus got the cuddles, because you were happy to sit and watch.
To my cat who tried hard to be as little of an inconvieniance as possible. You didn't get under my feet, or pee on the floor. You didn't meow, unless to show you wanted to know where I was. You waited your patience when I served you breakfast, while Oatus ran crazy and jumped around.
You always got told off and lumped in as 'naughty cats' because of Oatus's behaviour. I knew you were the good one, the one who figured it out.
You were so sweet and so good-hearted.
I was the happiest girl when you walked up Craig's parents driveway at only 5 weeks old. You were scared, hungry, cold...I don't know how many hours you had been missing for. You walked up that driveway and into my arms, and even though you were shaking, that slowly wore off and then you didn't let me go. We came home that night and feed you, but you were contented to sit in my lap and purr. or sit on my shoulder and purr.
And then we wanted to get you a girlfriend. But we looked, and looked. Eventually you found us Oatus. You knew he was your bestfriend. You met him at the vet, along with two other girls, but you choose him.
He will miss you more than ever.
To my cat who got in the shower with me, or with anyone who was in there, and sit in the water just to enjoy the company and the noise of running water. Everyone thought it was the craziest thing, I just thought of it as a very sweet gesture between you and me. After the shower you would sit in the bottom of the bath watching the water drip away and licking it. This will be my favourite memory of you. The cat who loved to have a shower.
I will always think of you as the protector, we knew you would make sure Oatus was okay, didn't get into too much trouble out there in the world. You cleaned him and cuddled him. You knew when enough was enough, you told him kindly when to stop playing.
I honestly imagined you as a shakey, old cat who looked me in the eyes in 15 years and told me everything would be okay. I really imagined you'd be here that long.
Although you were already 5 weeks old when we found you Sunday April 15th 2007 (the vet said approximately 6 weeks old after a week of having you), you were my little baby.
When I walked the dog, you didn't understand why you couldn't come. You followed us to the beach, or the dairy...I chased you home but you did not understand that the road would hurt you. I think you were smart enough, but you wanted to show me you were brave.

I am very sad to have lost you tonight. I wish it could have been another way.
2 hours ago at 9.30pm Craig found you still warm, in peices, scattered across the road. He came in while I was changing the sheets on the bed and held my hand and said I needed to sit down. I said "Can we save him? Take him to the vet?" He explained that he didn't want me to see you, but that you definitely could not be saved. I made him let me see you, and it was a hard thing to see. You must have died instantly, there is no other way. Only one car had hit you, we're sure of that...no other cars had run over you after that. So it was instant.
We took Oatus and Scruff to see you there so that they would know that you didn't leave them. I think you would want them to know it wasn't your choice. I think you would want them to know not to search for you.
Craig picked you up and dug a whole in the front garden. We've buried you there and I hope you feel at peace.

Your life was so short. You've broken my heart. But I promise to always think of you as the beautiful, brave, wise, old tiger that you are.

From my journal, Thursday April 19th:

"I have a kitten! A little grey, boy little about 6 weeks old and his name is Oscar. He’s not officially mine yet because we found him and I don’t want to steal him off anyone so we’re searching for the owner but we’ve had him since Sunday so the chances are he’ll be our cat. He’s sooo cute. And really funny.
Whenever he wants attention and you’re ignoring him he’ll climb right up your legs and sit on your shoulder (standing or sitting), he thinks he’s a parrot, most of the time he seriously just hangs out on my shoulder."

I love you dearly and will miss you. so much.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 05:42:50 GMT

oh, life.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 04:38:24 GMT

I feel all jumbled.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 21:08:00 GMT

happy birthday heather.
xoxo

If Craig and I decide to go on a world trip, serious question, who would have us to stay

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 04:46:12 GMT

Last thing, if Craig and I decide to go on a world trip, serious question, who would have us to stay?

I realize that sounds terrible and pushy but I mean it more like…we’d want to see everyone and meet anyone we could, and would be very happy if we could stay at peoples houses for a couple of days at a time (honestly, we won’t be there for 3 weeks, just a couple of days – unless you request that we stay for a while!!). I’m just wondering who’d be all right with that.
If you can’t have us stay we’d still be keen to hang out with anyone we could and meet up with anyone we can.

(I’d still need overseas exercise partners!)

As mentioned it might not be an option for us anyway because of Craig’s apprenticeship but we’re seriously considering it and trying to work out if we’d have enough money. We’d be happy to pay with good (matter of opinion) meals, hugs and well…the joy you’ll get from hanging out with me.

I won’t be offended if you don’t want to or if you can’t, just wondering.
& Of course, if you did say yes now you could always change your mind later (or vice versa).

Cellphone numbers, please...

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 04:54:48 GMT

My cellphone has been on the blink for ...well, a long time. And finally, it gave up the ghost about a month and a half ago, of course, me being me, I didn't bother to let anyone know that my cellphone doesn't work...
So, if you've been texting me, sorry, I'm not a snob (well, not in this case) but I just didn't have a cellphone. I finally bought a new phone and got my same number converted onto it but because the old phone is completely dead they couldn't transfer the contacts...and I don't have anybodys phone number anymore.

Please, please, please: Either text my cellphone (same 027 455 .. .. number) telling me it's you, and letting me know your home phone number, or send me a message with your details and I'll add it to my phone.

Ta very much,
Bobbie

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:05:23 GMT

So I had my eyes tested and I need glasses, which is actually pretty funny because I’ve wanted glasses forever and just this year I decided what a pain in the bum they’d be to have – and now I need them. Had the appointment last Friday with the optomotrist and was quite surprised that I couldn’t read all the letters, I thought I’d be able to but that they’d be blurry – but I actually couldn’t read them. My eyes getting blurry felt really sudden to me, I only really started to notice it about 3 or 4 weeks ago, I’d look up from the computer screen or a book and I wouldn’t be able to see what was more than a couple of metres away. I had no idea my eyes had been deteriorating for such a long time, I only discovered they had when someone pointed out to me in conversation that I was meant to be able to see things far away (like 5 metres +) with just as much clarity as I can see the things in front of me – I thought things were meant to be much harder to see and blurry a couple of metres away!
Anyway as we were going through the test and trying out all the lenses I noticed they were really helping me see the letters but I didn’t realize the difference until the last test he did went like
”Okay, so I’ll just try one more lens and you tell me what you think of this one.” *Does something with the fancy testing glasses* “what do you think?” Me: “No, that ones terrible – makes things really blurry.” Him: “Uh huh, that’s glass, that’s your eyes.” And I just couldn’t stop laughing – the different was incredible. I’m surprised I’ve been suffering for so long.
So anyway, I’m now on a mission to get some glasses that I like, have been searching for the last week, would really like to get them as soon as I can because I’m looking forward to what a difference they’ll make – and it might also solve the mystery of the terrible headaches I get.
Weight watchers weigh in tonight and I’m hoping to reach my 10% body weight loss, up to 7.7kgs – need another 900grams to reach 8.6kgs. Have been feeling ugly and miserable since I started Weight Watchers 9 weeks ago. Not their fault, I just never paid attention to my looks before and now that I am it’s making me miserable.
In other news,
I have a kitten! A little grey, boy little about 6 weeks old and his name is Oscar. He’s not officially mine yet because we found him and I don’t want to steal him off anyone so we’re searching for the owner but we’ve had him since Sunday so the chances are he’ll be our cat. He’s sooo cute. And really funny.
Whenever he wants attention and you’re ignoring him he’ll climb right up your legs and sit on your shoulder (standing or sitting), he thinks he’s a parrot, most of the time he seriously just hangs out on my shoulder.
I have a really large hand bag (more like a carry bag) and I hang it on the back of the bedroom door handle when I get home – he keeps getting into it and then he can’t get out so he just cries until we find him. He’s done it at least five times though so I don’t know why he can’t work it out!
Craig is leaving to go on a work course in a month and I’ll be alone for 3 weeks, looking forward to it but I’ll miss him big time as well.
...'til another time.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 20:55:12 GMT

i was going to update but it appears i can't.

opps.

later?

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:37:34 GMT

It was my birthday yesterday and I had a pretty good day, I asked for the day off work and figured that since I had the day off work and finally everything was reopen, I might as well get all my errands done. I got up early, took my scooter for a W.O.F. Went to the doctor at 9am, the dentist at 9.30am, the hair dresser at 10.30am. My health hasn’t deteriorated (any further). My teeth are terrible but I knew that, I got a 40 minutes lecture from the dentist. Neither him nor me got our own way, but we compromised, and I think he was so annoyed with me (I argued with him) that he intentionally bruised my mouth because today it hurts like hell. The hairdresser was great, not like what I planned because they did some test colours, which didn’t work, but the cut looks good. It’s so much shorter.
Went to visit my mum after the hairdresser, around 1.30pm and got my birthday present from her and Craig:
Tickets to Auckland to see Cirque Du Solei (woohoo!) this weekend.
I’m pretty happy about that, I’ve wanted to see the circus the last three times they’ve come but it’s always so, so expensive, and never in Christchurch, only ever Auckland (a plane flight from here).
After that excitement I went and spoke to a student advisor at the University about the possibility of furthering my studies this year and well, it doesn’t look good for me. Looks like that in order to get into the course I want to go on I first have to pass a pre-entry course, starting next week (limited notice to work), which, if I pass, still might not mean I get in this year. And if that’s not enough and I don’t get in, I’ll have to take a six-month pre-entry course this year to qualify for the enrolment in 2008. We’ll see what happens.
Got some lunch from a Café and took Panadol and threw up because I was feeling pretty sick, then went to collect Cameron (Craig’s nephew) and then my brothers to take them to dinner and the movies. Dad gave me a necklace and a pair of earrings that match a ring that he gave me for Christmas, quite nice.
Saw Eragon at the movies, the kids were all great, Rebecca (Craigs niece) meet us at the movies. Everyone thought it was my shout so I was left with less money than I imagined. Then on to dinner at Denny’s and then to deliver them home.
I have a $1,000.00 limit on my credit card and usually I am so, so good with my money but over the holidays I was a little bit naughty, bought myself new clothes, new shoes and a new bookcase. This combined with expensive visits to the doctor, dentist, hair dresser and having to pay over $150 to take everyone out to dinner and the movies meant I looked at my visa funds and am over the limit. Yikes! So I transferred money from my savings, now looking dismal, and felt shocked at myself for not realising that. Wow!
So this morning I’m not feeling too perky because that’s so, so naughty for me to let myself get into that much debt. I usually save, save, save.
If I am to become a student I’m going to have to start keeping a better eye on my money, like I used to until I moved in with Craig and had the luxury of sharing incomes. To be honest, neither of us earns big money, although we’re not bad off for now. When I’m a broke student and he is on an apprentice’s wage we’re going to have to make huge alterations to our spending habits, we’re not too naughty but I won’t be able to pay off a $1000+ Visa straight away.
After dinner we dropped the kids home and went home ourselves. Billie came around for about half an hour to visit me and then I went to bed. Oh, the excitement!
Are you sure I didn’t turn 60? When I was at the hairdresser (it took 3 hours to do mine) 3 ladies in their 60’s came in and got extremely radical haircuts, I felt like the granny! One of them got pink highlights and that cut that is short on one side, long on the other – she was like at least 70!
Go ladies!
I’m very conservative.
I’m still in shock about spending money. I’m so good with my Visa, honestly, pay money into it weekly, watch it, have never missed a payment or had overdue interest fees and I’ve had it for a while, at least a year now.
Anyway, I’m going to Auckland on Thursday night, won’t be home til Sunday, I’m so spoilt, that’s excellent.

I managed to make it through the whole day without crying - but Saturday (my party) was a slightly different story....
for another time...

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 23:27:47 GMT

So I'd rather start another entry than continue in the other.

Christmas was good. i was determined that I would not let myself be stressed. So I put my Christmas spirit on (less a tree which I refused to put back up and put away in the cupboard instead) and we faced the day.

I woke up at 4.30am to the cat (looking after our old family cat while mum is away) clawing my chest and then couldn't get back to sleep. So I had a shower and got dressed up and tidied the house. Then at 7.30am we went to Craigs parents house. We were all there except for Lisa (Craigs sister) & Cameron (Craigs nephew) since Camerson was the only kid and the reason we got up so early we were disappointed to have to wait for 8.30Am for the two of them to arrive. Everyone opened presents, I did well.
I got an assortment of things, so many chocolates that I've locked them away in the cupboard in a bag so that I can't scoff my face (they'll last me forever, there's so many), a few smellies, book vouchers (Woo!), more vouchers, a flat plate grill - woo (seriously, I wanted it), a ring (from dad), and Craig got me an easel to paint on. I did pretty well really.
The other day I went and bought "TangleWreck" by Jeanette Winterson with some of my book vouchers.
Okay so after opening presents and helping to set up the trampoline we all got Cameron for Christmas Craig and I went to dads, wow, I felt totally out of place there, and sick and was not handling the day, so we only stayed about an hour, I had a muffin and Craig had some bacon, exchanged presents, the ring is very pretty, then said to Craig tht I realy just needed to come home and lye down.
On the way home the car in front of us hit a bird, we stopped and tried to help it but it died. so we took it home with us and made it a little grave in the garden.
So he drove me back here, I lay down for a while, didn't feel any better but at around 2pm we went back to his parents house for the Christmas lunch, stayed there til 8pm and then went to billie's. Was only there half any hour maybe, she gave me GILMORE GIRLS SEASON 4 - woohoo.
Came home and went to bed.
A good day, I didn't stress, it was all great, but I just wanted to go to bed and hide.
Next day Jo came around and gave me the Veruca Salt Cd & Gilmore Girls Season 4 which I can exchange for Season 5. Had some dinner with her here.

I cannot remember what has happened all the days in between, I've slept most of the day and moped around, got nothing done.
Went to Camerons Third birthday party thursday had a nice time.

New Years eve. Drove out to Kaituna Valley to see Billie & Stephen, they had an awesome set up with a huge generator, lights, mirror balls, sound system, tents, couches, bbq, everything...right in the middle of the bush, everyone had set up tents all around, really great. Everyone had their dogs there, too, so Scruff was very happy running around in the bush with his friends.
We tried to set up our tent but forgot the poles. Tried to be social but couldnt manage it, everyone was running around on E, Acid, Pot, Alcohol, mostly a combination of all 4, I was sitting on the couch with my head running a million miles an hour, Craig trying to look after me, worried about me. No one else noticed, I was determined not to bring anyone else down, of course, I sort've couldn't help but bring Craig down.
I lasted until 11pm, I'd been saying for about an hour or 2 that I just wanted to go to bed in the car, so finally Craig gave in and he went to bed with me in the car at 11.15pm. Billie tapped on the window and said "Happy New Year it's 1.30" and so we missed it. Slept right through it.
Got up at 8.30am with the sounds still going (could hear them for miles), went to see who was still up and asleep, Billie and Stephen were sitting in their car trying to heat up because it was bloody cold (summer!). Ate some fruit, helped them pack up the rubbish, etc, drove home around 11am and crashed. Tried to be okay all day yesterday but ended up sobbing and crying and vomiting and many other unpleasant things. Felt very sick and very messed up. Spent the whole day in and out of bed. Craig looked after me.

Didn't get anything done that I wanted to do over my 10 days off. Have to someone see the doctor, dentist, hair dresser, university (yes, university), post office, scooter WOF, etc, soon but since I go back to work tomorrow, hmm. Too many public holidays meant everyone was closed.

Today I feel: a bit spaced out but mostly okay.

Haven't heard from anyone about my birthday plan so I don't know if I can handle it.

And that's me at the moment.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Sorry to be such a downer.

Invitation

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 00:44:19 GMT

Event invitation!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. I’m into the Christmas spirit this year (not a Christmas Grinch, like JM). I’m spending the day with family, enjoying their company and having a nice time. Craig & me have even got a tree this year, the 1st tree I’ve had since I moved out of home.

I do have a point though,
You are invited to my birthday.
On January 9th I turn 22, sounds much older than 21 (ha ha but it does) and I’m looking forward to getting closer to my 60th (I’ve always felt like I’m an old woman!! – I’ve been told this many times too, much to my satisfaction).
So,
Saturday January 6th, I have three events planned:

3.30pm Bowling at Garden City Bowl (one game $12, or two $16)
6.00pm Dinner at Welcome Vegetarian Restaurant, 1 Wharenui Road, Riccarton.
This includes lots of tofu and rice dishes, but is delicious and not too expensive – besides, my company is plenty, right? It’s Craig’s favourite restaurant and he doesn’t even eat vegetables!
9.00pm Drinks – Destination undecided.

So, Please lemme know who’s coming to which, I only need confirmation on Bowls & Dinner ‘cause this is where I need to make bookings for the right amount of lanes and tables.
Reply, comment, E-mail, text, (027 455 25 35) phone…. I’d love to hear from you.
No presents required, your company is plenty enough!

X-posted everywhere because I don’t have the energy to make the invitations this year – last year each invitation was hand made and took me about an hour (spray painted, glittered, coloured and glued! …Try to imagine this looks as nice)
Cheers,

Bobbie

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:36:37 GMT

Gah, I'm so furious.

We have this group of 65+ clients who we speak to on a regular basis, give work on a regular basis, etc, and a whole bunch of these clients are extremely abrassive and difficult to talk to, or straight out rude on a semi-regular basis. We've been thinking of all these new ways to get things sorted out with them and make them all deal with us in a much more pleasant manner. But the fact is, we have to send out reports for them to fill in monthly, with payment. And I'm so, so sick of these guys not doing it and then treating us here at the office like shit when we have to nag them to get it in. It's their bloody responsibility for being part of our network: don't like it, don't sign up, piss off.
I'm always so, so polite to these guys, even when they're backwards and rude and completely in the wrong. I point things out to them and write professional notes or letters regarding their behaviour or faults.
Well, all reports are due on the 15th. Yesterday Donna called around all the overdues and said "Overdue, get it in. We need you all to be in habbit of getting these in my the 15th, this seems to be a difficult task for you but please do it immediately."
I had this fax this morning, god, the nerve of some people. I walk in to work to find this fax in the machine (on one of the overdue status's)
"My wife faxed the actual job back to you at th etime of speaking to this client informing you that they did this work themselves.
I have been in business many years and will not be spoken to you in that manner.
As of now, 21-11-06, please remove our establishment from your list of clients. When my wife is out of the hospital she can prepare a final report for you."

What the fuck is that?
Have a bloody backbone, would you, stop acting as though someone telling you that your report is overdue is so bloody insulting, when, in fact, you have been late sending it back on many occasions. Aside from that, we have no record that the job was ever returned to us. And even if it had been returned, and was an office error, we clearly don't have it on file so you should return the report on time with the information needed. & fuck off.
Quite frankly I'm so bloody sick of these guys and them getting their bloody backs up over absolutely normal office procedures, that I don't care that he's leaving. and I'm not going to send him a bloody thing in response.

/end rant.

Sorry, just, this sort of thing is exactly a good example of all the bloody shit we have to deal with off these guys, and if all the guys like that can just up and leave because of a procedure informing them their report is rightly overdue...then woohoo that we can get rid of them so easily.

Grr.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 19:15:19 GMT

Well, hello.

I have big and good plans for my life. I am getting organised. I have lists to prove it! ha! Seriously though, I have been hit with a realisation to get my life sorted and I think some of might really happen this time.

This weekend I am going to mums to help her clean the walls, ceilings, hang new curtains, tidy the yard, etc, at her house, because she wants to put it on the market. Then we are going to tidy my garden, and then I am going to attempt to finish some of my Christmas shopping. Early, yes, but I have no interest in going in the rush this year.

I missed Tonys birthday, I cannot believe it. Ahh! He was away but still, I'm usually pretty good with that sort of thing, especially for the boys. Anyway, we are having a family dinner this Saturday and dad said that he was in the car with Tony and he said "If people ask what to get me tell them they don't have to get me anything as long as they show up to see me, that's whats important." He's friggin seven and saying that - awesome!

I feel really good about life and the decisions I am making.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 20:19:33 GMT

On Saturday afternoon Jo picked me up and I have been staying at her house. Her parents have gone away and she does not feel okay enough with her current state of mind to be on her own. I am staying until Thursday. We have been watching Gilmore Girls (marathon of Season one on DVD - Woo!), eating yummy, good and bad food and talking, talking, talking.
Craig does not seem at all interested in the fact that he won't see me until Thursday. I guess maybe the thought is there that he could if he wanted to. Sometimes I'm not missed.

My surgery went all right last week. It was so rushed that I did not have enough time to get it pre-approved by my insurance. And so far the costs are around $ 1500. So I'm hoping like mad that they will accept it. If not, we will survive, but it won't be awesome.
I was running late because the directions on where it was where stupid and we got lost. When I arrived they hurried me through and I felt rushed and was unable to ask them what I wanted to ask about the precedure. It all went fine though. I managed to ask when I got in there if they would entirely knock me out, they said they wouldn't knock me out, I'd be awake, but I wouldn't remember a thing. It's amazing how fast a shringe full of that stuff makes you unconcious. I don't think I was awake, they were right: I don't remember a thing. It all went okay. And they found nothing. Which is great, except, it meant, more things to be done to find out what it is.
I was very uneasy, shaky, groggy for the rest of the afternoon. Stayed in the hospital eating iceblocks and then went home to bed. Felt fine by the next day but have a massive bruise (still) on my arm from where the needles were put in. And I don't usually bruise badly. But this one doesn't hurt, just looks gruesome.

On Friday I had to go for X-rays. I thought they would be unproductive and expensive. They made me drink this chalky, thick, concrete drink that was pretty not-great tasting and felt heavy in my stomach. But..... THEY FOUND IT! Yes, we finally know the reason for one of my many on-going health problems. So, I don't know what that means. When I asked the X-ray guy what sort of treatment this meant, he was just like "Um, I'm the X-ray guy. Sorry." Which is totally fair, and logical. you can't know everything.
But he suggested maybe surgery, he doubted medication but said it was possible. So we'll see.
However, the consequence of drinking chalky concrete is that it comes out the other end in a not-awesome way, either. Probably too much information but yeah, it's been pretty bad. I won't go into that.

Work has been busy, and fine. On Friday I managed to get most of my work completed, which makes me feel organised and peaceful. But yesterday was so crazy and busy that I am back to having a huge pile waiting to be completed. All stuff that needs to be done urgently.
I am neglecting my responsiblities this morning so I better go get onto it.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 20:36:11 GMT

I'm mostly okay at the moment.
I love Craig. And I am exhausted by the thought of being angry with him, so mostly when I am I hold it in and let it pass or sit alone and think about it and try not to have a fit.
He's just so, so terrible at recognising that housework needs to be done, and that cooking and eating and not ordering takeaways is good, and that those are the things that keep me sane.

I'm a little disappointed because Wellington was amazing, and I had a really good time, cleared my head, came home in so much of a better state than I left. In Wellington I had my work conference and I felt it went well, I nominated myself for doing a certain tasks and thought that it might be a good opportunity to prove myself to the others (yeah, yeah, I shouldn't do it for other people, etc, but the point is that there hasn't been an opportunity for me to come through for them yet, they don't know my abilities or that i'm reliable, so this was a good chance), and I did that, excellently, I thought. And I forwarded my completed task to another person who was in charge of the overall thing, and he hasn't shown anyone that it's done yet...and they're all waiting on it. And I got it done a week ago.
So, now everyone is going to be thinking that the delay is because of me. And I really wish they knew I totally came through on it straight away.

Today I have to go in to the hospital for a sort've operation. I'm fine, really, it's more of a researching what could be wrong with me - thing. And it's nothing for anyone to worry about, I've barely told anyone, but that's only because I only found out on Friday, and it hasn't come up so I didn't see any need to tell.
And since I'm typing now and it did come up, I am.

I just finished reading the best book I've ever read. And i cried a bunch of times in it. And i laughed equally.

I've changed. A year or more ago each response would be as long as the total.

amethystical_alternity@hotmail.com — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 03:06:30 GMT

1) Single, Taken, or Crushing?
Taken

2) Are you happy with where you are?
Basically no. I've come a long way. I've lost a lot on the way that I wanted to keep and part that I needed to loose. I've got a long way to go. And it's too far.

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
I fall for the wrong people fast. And the right people in the wrong way.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
I allowed it to happen, so really I broke my own heart.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is OK?
No. But there is a but.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
It hasn't happened yet but I'm a sucker, so in a heart beat, I imagine.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Craig and I talk about it regularly. I would've told you it's not an option to me before now, now, I'm not so sure. I don't want it, but I don't NOT want it so much that I'd keep it from someone that does want it (E.G. him).

8) Do you want children?
No.

9) How many?
As above.

10) Would you consider adoption?
Yes.

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
In words that mean more than the shortest way to express them.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
If I'm honest I'll say sure, but I was never any good at it. No one ever tried to get me so I didn't have a chance.

13) Do you want someone you can’t have?
That's my life.

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Not at all. Lust, sure. That can turn into love, but basically no.

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
I guess I think it's dumb but I still enjoy doing it anyway.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
I believe you shouldn't. I believe you shouldn't be able to, not for the sake of doing it anyway. But sure, I've tried it. I continue to try. I'm not yet successful. I think relationships, and friendships, and hell: just life, that changes people without intention.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money's not an object, where would it be?
I don't know. I just want to be and live and be happy.
I mean that more sincerely than I can express.

18) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
Yes. Big feelings. For many people. Not just lovers, but friends.

19) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn’t?
It's a hard life. So, sure.

20) Have you ever broken a heart?
Yeah. But it was a mutual thing.

21) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
"No. But I’d kick my significant others ass." (for putting me in a situation to do it) - Frances

22) What would you say about your last ex?
All my ex's are clumped together in the ..."What was I thinking? I wish I could change so many things." Category.